Hard Cell

Your eyes are weary but willing captives to the seductive glow of the online poker room. Those zombie craters flanking the bridge of your nose are getting deeper, but so too are your pockets. The question is, how can you find a way to play more--actually get your eyes to bleed--when every waking hour not already devoted to poker is taken up by work, masturbation and unavoidable social engagements?

My friend, until this very moment, you’ve been unwittingly tyrannized by Points A and B. You’ve played at home. You’ve played at the office. Never in between. But that was then…. JUMP TO:

It is upon us: The First Ever Mobile Phone Interactive, Multi-Player Gaming System for Poker. That’s right: real-time, real-wager cell-phone poker. No longer waste valuable time in transit not gambling! Before you go foamy, however, consider the following scenario: You’ve got a royal flush. He’s got a full house. He raises to $100. You toss your head back gleefully, knowing he’s sure to call your all-in bet, just as you drive through a tunnel and lose your signal. They don’t even have swears for this kind of thing.

“Officer, what you call ‘road rage,’ I call the inevitable and unavoidable bi-product of modernity, a cry for help, if you will, from a passenger on the express train to an alienating, technology-based future ruled by existential angst and marketing data. Please accept this $200 cash donation to the Benevolent Association.”